I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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