Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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