dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You took a bar mat shot.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
