Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
