im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's official drugs can't kill me
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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