Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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