"it" just moved
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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