don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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