mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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