So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
