Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
