Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
