Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
