that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
