i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
The ass gains better be worth it
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