Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm so fucking centered right now
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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