I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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