Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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