Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
