Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
