John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
