dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
