so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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