my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
