i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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