y did u give ur computer a hand job?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
