Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
