it was like his penis was on wheels.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
