Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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