im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
