I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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