I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He? As in you personified your dick?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
