can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am puke
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
