Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
