he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
