Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
