no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
