a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
