im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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