her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
