I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
