I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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