never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
