The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
