I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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