Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
