I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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