I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
