i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
