Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
