so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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