1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
