i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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