the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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