so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
