why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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